


"I Know"

by Swordtheguy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crying, F/M, Gen, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, I Made Myself Cry, Loss of Identity, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7410346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swordtheguy/pseuds/Swordtheguy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been so long since that mission. So long since the last day of their life.<br/>Stevonnie knows they'll have to let go eventually.<br/>But...<br/>What comes next?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Losing Someone...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by ["I know"](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/212086) by pinkadillydoo. 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is always frightening. No matter who you are.  
> But it's none more frightening then for the ones being left behind...

The sunset was beautiful this evening. As it was most evenings. That was one of the perks of living on the beach. Sunsets always looked amazing and all you had to do to enjoy them was sit on the beach and watch.

Stevonnie took two slices of bread from the supplies they had brought with them and carefully spread a knife full of strawberry jam from their jam jar onto one of the slices, before sandwiching it against the other slice. Their deed done, Stevonnie took a bite from their newly made sandwich. The bread was nothing amazing. The only reason Stevonnie was using bread was because they were all out of instant-rise biscuits. But the jam on the other hand… It still managed to taste amazing.

Like it always did.

Every evening, during the sunset.

"Hello, Stevonnie."

Stevonnie looked up from their sandwich to see the striking visage of the Crystal Gem leader, Garnet, standing above them.

"Hey, Garnet." Stevonnie responded, smiling lightly. "Come to join me?"

"If you don't mind." Garnet replied simply as she sat down next to them. She glanced at the meal still clutched in Stevonnie's hands. "Good sandwich?" she asked.

Stevonnie took another bite. "Yeah." they said as they swallowed. "We're all out of biscuits, though."

"We can get more." Garnet responded.

Stevonnie didn't say anything.

Silence fell between them for several minutes as Stevonnie finished their sandwich. They could still feel the sticky residue of jam on the tips of their fingers. They would have to wash their hands.

But…

Not yet.

They wanted the residue to stay around. Just a little longer.

"Sunset looks lovely tonight." Garnet said, breaking the silence. The Gem was looking at the sunset, her gaze not wavering at all. "That was one thing Rose Quartz always loved about Earth."

"Yeah. It's pretty great." Stevonnie quietly replied.

Garnet was silent for a time, before saying it. "How long has it been now, Stevonnie?"

"Twenty years, I think." Stevonnie responded. They could already feel their throat tighten with emotion.

"And how long do you intend to keep this up?" Garnet asked.

Stevonnie said nothing, couldn't say anything. It was using all their strength to not start sobbing uncontrollably.

"It's not… healthy. Being fused like this." Garnet continued.

"And how would you know?" Stevonnie asked softly. "You're a Gem. You don't know about… human processes."

"That's not true and you know it, Stevonnie. You're just trying to deny what's facing you."

"I'm not denying it!" Stevonnie shot back. "I'm… dealing with it."

Garnet, however, simply shook her head. "You're not. You're hiding from it." She waited to allow Stevonnie a chance to speak, but they remained silent. "Greg is worried about you, Stevonnie. And when was the last time you saw the Maheswarans?"

"The Maheswarans don't want to see me." Stevonnie replied.

"And you don't see that as indicative of the problem?" Garnet asked.

"There's no problem Garnet." Stevonnie said. "I told you. I… just need some time."

"That's what you said twenty years ago." Garnet replied firmly.

Silence held between them again. They were still looking at the ever darkening horizon and could feel tears running down their cheeks.

"Stevonnie." Garnet said. "I… I know this isn't easy. I know that-"

"No, you don't." Stevonnie growled lowly. They rose to their feet, knocking over their jar and spilling bright red jam all over the sand. "You don't know what it's like to… to know that soon… you won't be you anymore." The tears came in earnest now, raw and unchecked. "To know that… that you'll just be a half rather than a whole."

Stevonnie turned away, covering their face with their hands. The tears were like the first bit of water as the dam broke. Everything Stevonnie had been thinking about or feeling over these last twenty years, they all came flooding out.

"Stevonnie. Please." They could feel a heavy hand on their shoulder. "I… All of us. Myself, Pearl, Amethyst, Greg, even the Maheswarans, in their own way… We want to help. You just have to let us."

"But…" Stevonnie stuttered. "I'm… Without-" Their voice caught in their throat. "I won't be… myself anymore."

Garnet carefully turned the sobbing fusion around to face her. The shades that normally hid her eyes were gone. Stevonnie could see, after wiping her own eyes free of tears, that all three of Garnet's eyes looked gripped with sadness.

"What you are going through. It's an entirely new experience." She smiled, the smallest of bittersweet grins. "Just like you."

"Why didn't you warn me, Garnet?…" Stevonnie said, their vision once again clouded by tears. "You're a fusion and you can see the future. Why didn't you tell me, on that first night I walked through the door into the house… Why didn't you tell me that this is what awaited me?"

"Would it have mattered?" Garnet returned simply. "If I had told you, would you have done anything different?"

Stevonnie said nothing, already knowing the answer in their heart.

 

_No, I wouldn't have given this up for anything. Even all the sadness in the world was worth being me._

 

"It's time, Stevonnie." Garnet said. "You've had time to reminisce and to mourn times that can never be. Take the final step." She paused briefly. "You know she would want you to."

Stevonnie collapsed to their hands and knees, the sand sticking to their jammy fingers.

The final step.

She would want this.

Does want this.

Even knowing…

what…

it…

means…

 

And in that moment, there was no more Stevonnie. Not truly. There was just Steven. And Connie.

But not for long.

She laid in the sand, the sticky tips of her fingers on her left hand were still covered in sand. She looked just as Steven remembered. Her long flowing hair, her cute distinct nose, her… Her pale, sallow skin, her glassy, glazed over eyes, her…

Her chest wound that even now began to well with blood.

Steven instinctually tried to apply pressure to the wound, but all he did was mix the sand that still clung to his right fingers with the blood that was pooling on Connie's chest. Garnet carefully, but firmly removed Steven's hands from Connie. She knew, as he did, that there was nothing left to do.

Nothing left, but to say something. But Steven couldn't. What was there to say, that wouldn't merely serve as a reminder of what they had lost?

But then, slowly and shakily, Connie rested her hand on Steven's tear stained cheek.

"Thank you… Steven… For letting me… be part of your universe."

Her voice brought him back to that night. That mission. As if it replayed before his eyes, he could see himself fighting against the corrupted gem, he could see himself being knocked down and open for an attack and…

 

He could see Connie. Standing in front of him. He could hear her scream of anguish. He saw the blood coating her chest.

 

And he felt himself coming undone.

 

He could hear the conversations that he had, both with the Gems and with Connie…

 

_"I'm sorry, Connie…"_

_"There's nothing to be sorry about. I did what I had to."_

_"No, you didn't! Connie, don't you understand!?… As soon as we diffuse then you'll…"_

_"Yes, Steven. I know. But I don't regret it. You've done so much for me._

_"You've done so much for me! I can't just let you-!…"_

_"Steven."_

_"…"_

_"Nothing can stop that now. You're… you're going to have to let go of me."_

_"I know… But…"_

 

_"I'm scared."_

 

_"Don't be. Every person you love leaves their mark on you. So, a part of me, the part that you love, will always be with you… This will be frightening, but I know you can do this, Steven Universe. I believe in you."_

 

"Good-bye, Connie… I'll never forget you."

And with that, her eyes shut, her head drooped to the side, and her chest rose raggedly once more, before falling and not rising again.

Connie was gone.

Time seemed to slow as the sunset held eternally in the sky. Connie's body just laid there, unmoving. Unliving.

She would never again laugh at a shared joke.

Never again show Steven a cool new book or television series.

Never again share a meal together.

Never again hug Steven after such a long time apart.

Never again.

"I'm sorry, Steven." He felt a pair of strong arms firmly grip him, pulling him close. "I… Words aren't enough to express my sadness."

Steven said nothing, only continuing to look at Connie's lifeless body.

"She would be proud of you. For having the courage to let go." Garnet said, hugging just a little tighter.

"I know…" Steven responded.

Steven looked back at the horizon. The sun was almost completely gone now. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for what came next. But this was a familiar pain. One he had already been feeling. For twenty years now. And it hurt, so very much.

Like it always did.

Every evening, during the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had an idea for a fic with this basic premise for awhile now, but every time I start thinking about what I want my next fic to be, I put it on the back burner and move to a different project. But after seeing pinkadillydoo's comic, "I know", I felt a sudden rush of inspiration and... well, here's the result.
> 
> Enjoy and, as always, critical feedback is welcomed and appreciated.


	2. Losing Yourself...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death is always frightening. No matter who you are.  
> But it's none more frightening then for the one facing their end...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this one starts out kinda similarly to the last chapter. Just keep reading.  
> Trust me.

The sunset was beautiful this evening. As it was most evenings. That was one of the perks of living on the beach. Sunsets always looked amazing and all you had to do to enjoy them was sit on the beach and watch.

Stevonnie reached down onto the plate and grabbed the last of the biscuits. It was just a simple instant-rise biscuit, but what made it spectacular was the strawberry jam that was liberally spread across it. Stevonnie took a bite of their meal and felt a quick shot of euphoria dance through them. Biscuits and strawberry jam had become Stevonnie's favorites. And though they ate it every day, it still managed to taste amazing.

Like it always did.

Every evening, during the sunset.

"Hello, Stevonnie."

They looked up from their biscuit and saw the striking visage of the Crystal Gem leader, Garnet.

"Hey, Garnet." Stevonnie greeted lightly. "Come to join me?"

"If you don't mind." she replied as she sat down next to them. She glanced at the biscuit they still held in their hand. "Good jam?" she asked.

"Yeah, really good." Stevonnie answered. "I'm glad we were able to find this brand. It was-" their voice suddenly caught in their throat, preventing them from finishing that thought. "Well…" they said finally. "It tastes the best to me."

With one final bite, Stevonnie finished the last of their biscuits for the night. They could still feel the sticky residue of jam on the tips of their fingers. They would have to wash their hands.

But…

Not yet.

They wanted the residue to stay around. Just a little longer.

"Sunset looks lovely tonight." Garnet said, breaking the silence. The Gem was looking at the sunset, her gaze not wavering at all. "That was one thing Rose Quartz always loved about Earth."

"Yeah. It's pretty great." Stevonnie quietly replied.

Garnet was silent for a time, before saying it. "How long has it been now, Stevonnie?"

The fusion could feel their throat tighten with emotion. "I… don't know."

"I do. It's been just over twenty years." Garnet supplied.

They said nothing.

"Stevonnie." Garnet began simply. "How long are you going to keep this up?"

"As long as-…" They stopped themselves. "As long as I want." they said.

"But how long is that?" Garnet asked. "Another ten years? Thirty? Fifty?"

"I told you, Garnet." Stevonnie sharply shot back. "I just need some time."

"That's what you said twenty years ago." Garnet said. She was silent for a moment before asking, "When was the last time you saw Greg? Or the Maheswarans?"

"The Maheswarans don't want to see me." Stevonnie replied.

"And you don't see that as indicative of the problem?" Garnet asked.

"There's no problem." they said cooly. "She just-… I mean…"

"No, you were right before." Garnet cut in. "You dance around her name, even now. Like you're trying to pretend she doesn't exist."

"That's not it!" Stevonnie growled loudly. They instantly rose to their feet, knocking over their plate and sending bright red specks of jam splattering against the sandy beach. "I made a promise! It was-… It was-…" Stevonnie began sobbing, no longer able to hold in their raging emotions. They could feel tears rolling down their cheeks, like the first drops of water as the dam breaks. "You're a Gem. You don't know what it's like to face…" They turned away, resting their face in their hands.

"Stevonnie." They felt a firm hand on their shoulder. "I… I know it was her last wish. But…"

"You don't know what it's like, Garnet…" they said in between ragged breaths. "If you get hurt, you just regenerate. And to protect yourself, all you have to do is curl your hands into fists." They lowered their hands, the sticky residue of the jam now having been washed away by their crying. "You don't know what it's like to face… to face the end."

Garnet slowly, gently turned the hurting fusion around to face her. The shades that normally covered her eyes were gone. Stevonnie could instead see, after wiping her own eyes free of tears, that all three of Garnet's eyes looked gripped with sadness.

"You're right." she said softly. "I don't know what it's like to face that. But, I have known many who have." The Gem blinked away the tears that were beginning to well under her eyes. "Ruby and Sapphire lost much before they even joined the rebellion. And… Pearl, Amethyst, myself… we still mourn for Rose." She paused as if gathering her thoughts. "I know it's not an easy thing to confront, but… It's time to let go, Connie."

"No! She can't!" Stevonnie declared, pushing away from Garnet. "What about Steven?! Or the Maheswarans, or Pearl, or Amethyst, or you, or… or me…" They looked down at the ground as they saw the distinct spots on the sand where their tears were landing. "It's not just Connie… Everyone loses a part of themselves."

"That's only one perspective." Garnet said simply. "Remember, a fusion is a conversation. What is the person you're talking with telling you?"

Stevonnie said nothing, the conversation and all the similar ones they had been a part of were already playing through their mind.

 

_***_

 

_"Connie. I… I don't want to force anything on you. This was your last wish, but…"_

_"Don't worry, Steven. I just… I just need some time to get ready."_

 

_*****_

 

_"So how are you feeling, Connie?"_

_"Mmm… I don't know… Steven?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You'll be sad when it happens, won't you?"_

_"Of course, but… don't let that stop you. When you're ready, we should… you know."_

 

_*******_

 

_"But, don't you think it's time?"_

_"What's the matter, Steven?! Do you want me to-"_

_"Of course not! How could you even say something like that?"_

 

_*********_

 

_"Please, Connie. Garnet's right. It's… It's time to let go."_

_"Steven… You, and Mom, and Dad, and the Gems… I don't want to hurt you."_

_"We'll be okay. We'll grieve, but we'll survive."_

_"But, I'm…"_

 

_"I'm scared to leave you."_

 

_"Don't be. Every person you love leaves their mark on you. So, a part of you, the part that we love, will always be with us… This will be frightening, but I know you can do this, Connie Maheswaran. I believe in you."_

 

_***********_

"Why didn't you warn me of this, Garnet?" Stevonnie asked, opening their eyes as a fresh wave of tears began to form. "You're a fusion and you can see the future?" They wiped their eyes futilely as more tears began to fall down their cheeks. "When I first walked in through the door, why didn't you tell me that this is what awaited me?"

"If I did, would it have mattered?" Garnet asked simply.

Stevonnie said nothing.

"No." they replied finally. "No, I wouldn't have given this up for anything. Even all the sadness in the world was worth being me."

"Then you have your answer."

Stevonnie took an unstable step towards the Gem, their legs feeling like leaden weights as they trudged forward. When they reached her, they paused just for a brief moment, before wrapping her in the tightest hug they could manage.

"Good-bye, Garnet." they sobbed.

"Good-bye, Stevonnie." Garnet returned, her own tears now no longer being able to be held back. "And good-bye, Connie. It was an honor to know you."

Their embrace finished, Stevonnie found that now unsupported, they collapsed to their hands and knees.

This was the final step.

This is what's right.

What's right for everyone.

Even knowing…

what…

it…

means…

 

And in that moment, there was no more Stevonnie. Not truly. There was just Steven. And Connie.

But not for long.

She laid in the sand, two familiar figures kneeling beside her. They both looked sad, the saddest Connie had ever seen them. She began to ask them a question but found her breath catch in the back of her throat. She looked down at her chest and saw the sickening sight.

Her mortal wound. And the bright, red blood that began to ooze out.

"Connie. Are… are you in pain?" Steven asked, his voice surprisingly collected.

Connie tried to say no, that she didn't really feel anything, but the words didn't come out. After holding on for so long, she felt she had very little strength left. So instead, she grabbed Steven's hand and gripped it as tightly as she could muster.

"Good-bye… Steven…" she uttered softly.

"Good-bye, Connie… I'll never forget you."

And with that, she began to gasp, her body only capable of ragged, shallow breaths. Her head drooped to the side and she could see the sun was almost completely gone beyond the horizon. She closed her eyes, bracing herself for what came next. But this was a familiar pain. One she had already been feeling. For twenty years now. And it hurt, so very much.

Like it always did.

Every evening, during the sunset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, this was supposed to be just a oneshot. But then I was given this great idea by professionally licensed 'Cool Person', br42. The idea, like all good ideas, was pretty simple on it's face. Retell the story, only instead of Steven being the one to cling to Connie, it's Connie being the one to cling to Steven.  
> So thanks, br42. Hopefully, this turned out alright.
> 
> Thanks for reading and, as always, critical feedback is always welcomed.


End file.
